Open Adoption

Wow.

So I read a book tonight called "Arms Wide Open: An Insight into Open Adoption". It was fabulous. Short, but fabulous. It definitely got me thinking about how open I wanted our adoption to be. Let me clarify. I had been thinking about this, but I think this book helped me solidify some of the ideas I was thinking about.

First, let me describe our opinions of the birthmother and things that we as adoptive parents will try to remember. Things that we will always try to adhere to throughout this process. We don't know the birthmother yet, but there are some general ideas we've got.
The birthmother will always hold a place of honor in our lives. She will have given us an amazing gift for which we will be eternally grateful. We understand and are empathetic to the issues she may be facing. We are not perfect either. We may have even been there ourselves. We are not judgmental. See above. We realize, after our own losses that this must be an extremely difficult thing for her to be going through. That this will hurt. That she will grieve. That she may even be angry at us for being able to parent when she can not. We realize and understand that she may decide to parent before papers are signed, and we will respect her decision either way. We want her in our lives. We want a relationship, of some sort, with her.

So, how open do we want it?
My answer is: as open as God wants it. That's the short answer anyway.
I'll explain.

We will most definitely want to send cards, letters and pictures throughout the baby's life.
Here are things that I want: (I am hoping I speak for Baron too, but I wouldn't know. I was finally able to think things through enough to make them clear, and he's asleep!! So for now assume I'm speaking for both of us when I use I and we interchangeably. I'll let him add his 2 cents in later when he wakes up.)
I would love to have more contact than cards letters and pictures. I would love to have the birthmother near. I would love to be able for my child to have visits with the birthmother. I don't think I'd let our child go with birthmother alone. Obviously Baron and I will be the ones parenting, the ones who make the decisions, but I'd love for the birthmother to be like an aunt. We want to treat her as part of our extended family. I want our child to know their birthmother. I want them to meet, not just at the birth, but later too. When our child will remember. I want to be able to answer questions. If I don't know the answer, I want to be able to call or write the birthmother and ask. I want a relationship with the birthmother, as she will always hold a special place in our lives.

I realize that this is not always what the birthmother wants, but I also realize that a birthmother who says they want minimal contact may feel differently after the birth. Baron and I want to be open to that possibility. We want to remain open concerning our relationship with the birthmother. To a reasonable extent, we want to allow the birthmother some lee-way.

I think this is my maximum. We don't want the birthmother in our home everyday. We will be parenting. We will make the ultimate decision, but we are flexible, and will ALWAYS be prayerful about those decisions.

I also realize that God may have other plans. It has happened before! I will try to be "open" to a closed adoption, though I know that an open adoption is "healthier" for all that are involved. I realize that our birthmother may not be open to an open adoption, and we need to be open to that too.

Ultimately, we want what God wants. If you are keeping us in your prayers, please pray that Baron and I are able to keep God's will in mind, prayerfully, always. Now more than ever. Please pray that whatever comes about, that we are at peace with what happens, open or closed, or any where else along that continuum.

-Megan