First off, let me just say that I am NOT pregnant. Again.

This is the time of the month that is hardest for me. A cruel reminder that even though the doctors say my body is working just fine, it can't seem to manage the main thing it was made for.
Stupid womb.

I was thinking today that maybe the surgery worked. Maybe, just maybe they knocked something back into place and my uterus would stop trying to work itself out of my body. (figuratively of course) Boy was I wrong. It just took a little longer for the pain to start this month. Maybe it will end a little earlier this month? I can't believe how bad it hurts, and that there is nothing wrong with me. If I didn't want children so desperately I would just ask them to remove my stupid womb. It doesn't seem to work anyway!

I have my post-op appointment tomorrow, we'll talk about pain management then, as I am currently taking darvocet to no avail. I tried working out, taking a hot bath, etc, and still no relief!

So I was thinking that I'd try to explain how it feels to be infertile.
I don't know if I can even come close to explaining how it truly feels or how painful it really is, but I'll try. I don't want pity, I just want those of you who haven't been there done that, to have some empathy for those that have/are.

At this very moment, the one thing I want more than anything in the world, is a baby. I have known since I was very young that I wanted children. I am a baby-licker as my mom would say(thanks to princess diaries by meg cabot). I have an intense love for children, I see God in their faces and smiles, and feel His love in their hugs. I want one of my own so bad, I hurt. I cry. I get jealous of those that have. I get angry at those that have. I feel the world is unfair. How can a crack-head prostitute get pregnant and I can't? How come those that use birth control religiously get pregnant and I can't? Why can someone who has a one night stand get pregnant and I can't? How can someone who abuses the children they've already got get pregnant and I can't? WHY? Life isn't fair. I know that. That's what heaven is for. Heaven is our gift for being faithful, even through the unfairness, but I still really want a baby. Why can't a girl who is young, incredibly happily married, mostly financially stable, doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink, doesn't curse, doesn't abuse, doesn't use birth control and knows just about everything there is to know about getting pregnant, get pregnant and stay there? I want to feel my child moving and kicking me from within, I want to birth my child and bring a child into this world. I want to create a baby out of love that is part of me and Baron.

I don't even know where to start to try and tell you how it feels to lose what you've wanted for so long. Baron and I have had 3 miscarriages. 2 days ago was the 1 year anniversary of losing Dominic. One of these days I will tell you his short story.
Maybe if you try and imagine that you have met a man (or woman) and quickly fallen deeply in love. After a quick courtship, he proposes and you start to plan out your life together. What your wedding will be like, how many children you will have, where you will live, what you will do.. etc. Then suddenly, he dies. no explanation. he was healthy. you didn't expect it at all. Just because you weren't married yet, doesn't mean you didn't love him, and won't miss him. You had hopes and dreams and love, and now it is gone.
That is how is is with miscarriage. You find out you are pregnant, and immediately fall in love with this baby. you start planning, what will the nursery look like, will you quit your job and be a full time mom? you start imagining yourselves playing with baby, you start thinking of all the things you want to teach your little one. You wonder who's eyes she will have, will she have red hair like mine, or brown like barons? You hope that your baby will grow up to be a doctor or lawyer etc, you have hopes and dreams for your new life with this little one. Then one day you start bleeding. You realize that it's all over. That your little one is gone, taking all your hopes and dreams with her.
you are lost. you hurt, but nobody wants to talk about dead babies. some people even have the gall to say "it wasn't even a baby yet anyway". Did you know that the baby's heart starts beating just before 5 weeks? most people don't even know they're pregnant then! Some people say it was all for the best. what? you mean all my hopes and dreams and love didn't mean anything? that it was best for this baby to die? am I that terrible that the baby is better off dead? Some people say "you're young still". does that mean that I loved this baby any less than I would if I were older? what does age have ANYTHING to do with it? Some people say "you can have another one!" but that won't change what you've lost. You can't ever fill that hole again. you can make an addition for a new baby, but you will always have a little empty hole. you will always hurt. Some people remind you how common it is. would you say that to a friend who's lost a parent? "oh, get over it, lots of people have lost their parents."

I don't know why I am having to go through this. I am learning to deal with it though. I am learning to be still and wait. I am learning that this may not be a "no" answer, but a "wait" answer. I am learning to listen to what He wants, and not me. I know that if I can do this, listen and obey my creator, that things will be just fine, and I will have children to love. I know that He is there, comforting me. Counting my tears. Nudging me to open my heart to his children, even if they didn't come from my womb. That he loves them the same, and I will too. I am learning to be more comfortable around the idea of adoption and fostering. I am realizing that as badly as I want a baby, theses babies/kids want a mother.

So, please, don't trivialize somebody's pain. Give them a hug and tell them that you are thinking about them. That's all you can do, and it does help. Don't offer negative "support". It can only hurt, and it only adds to our already raw emotions.

All I want out of this is positive support. Love, comfort, and the blessings of friends and family as we continue on our journey to parenthood.
Well, that's about it for now. I am spent. "Talking" about it is exhausting sometimes.

-megs