Teetaw

Baron and I are back from Atlanta, for those of you who haven't heard, Baron's grandfather passed into the loving arms of our Savior this week. Bittersweet, as Teetaw died as he wanted to. He didn't want to know he was passing, and he didn't. It was peacefull. Teetaw, we will miss you and we know we will see you again in the blink of an eye!
We were so glad to see all of you while we were out there, and sorry that we missed some of you.
L&P: thanks again. Baron and I can't tell you how thankfull we are for you and how blessed we are to have family like you!
R&S: we love you and miss you, can't wait till you come down to visit!

No new updates at this time, keep checking back, I'm calling the agency on monday to set up our first training sessions!

surgery

Well, I had my post op appointment today. I got to see pictures of my innards (as my dad would say!) and everything looks so cool! It was so cool to see things looking so "pretty".
Dr. Mos gave me a prescription for celebrex. Let's hope it works!! That's about all I have to say. It's nap time. :)

-megs

positive adoption language

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/pdf/PositiveLanguage.pdf

Here's link about positive adoption language.

Just thought it was interesting. It is geared toward making sure your little one (or big one) never feels neglected or "unwanted". Also helps if friends and family are aware of positive adoption language!
-megs

First off, let me just say that I am NOT pregnant. Again.

This is the time of the month that is hardest for me. A cruel reminder that even though the doctors say my body is working just fine, it can't seem to manage the main thing it was made for.
Stupid womb.

I was thinking today that maybe the surgery worked. Maybe, just maybe they knocked something back into place and my uterus would stop trying to work itself out of my body. (figuratively of course) Boy was I wrong. It just took a little longer for the pain to start this month. Maybe it will end a little earlier this month? I can't believe how bad it hurts, and that there is nothing wrong with me. If I didn't want children so desperately I would just ask them to remove my stupid womb. It doesn't seem to work anyway!

I have my post-op appointment tomorrow, we'll talk about pain management then, as I am currently taking darvocet to no avail. I tried working out, taking a hot bath, etc, and still no relief!

So I was thinking that I'd try to explain how it feels to be infertile.
I don't know if I can even come close to explaining how it truly feels or how painful it really is, but I'll try. I don't want pity, I just want those of you who haven't been there done that, to have some empathy for those that have/are.

At this very moment, the one thing I want more than anything in the world, is a baby. I have known since I was very young that I wanted children. I am a baby-licker as my mom would say(thanks to princess diaries by meg cabot). I have an intense love for children, I see God in their faces and smiles, and feel His love in their hugs. I want one of my own so bad, I hurt. I cry. I get jealous of those that have. I get angry at those that have. I feel the world is unfair. How can a crack-head prostitute get pregnant and I can't? How come those that use birth control religiously get pregnant and I can't? Why can someone who has a one night stand get pregnant and I can't? How can someone who abuses the children they've already got get pregnant and I can't? WHY? Life isn't fair. I know that. That's what heaven is for. Heaven is our gift for being faithful, even through the unfairness, but I still really want a baby. Why can't a girl who is young, incredibly happily married, mostly financially stable, doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink, doesn't curse, doesn't abuse, doesn't use birth control and knows just about everything there is to know about getting pregnant, get pregnant and stay there? I want to feel my child moving and kicking me from within, I want to birth my child and bring a child into this world. I want to create a baby out of love that is part of me and Baron.

I don't even know where to start to try and tell you how it feels to lose what you've wanted for so long. Baron and I have had 3 miscarriages. 2 days ago was the 1 year anniversary of losing Dominic. One of these days I will tell you his short story.
Maybe if you try and imagine that you have met a man (or woman) and quickly fallen deeply in love. After a quick courtship, he proposes and you start to plan out your life together. What your wedding will be like, how many children you will have, where you will live, what you will do.. etc. Then suddenly, he dies. no explanation. he was healthy. you didn't expect it at all. Just because you weren't married yet, doesn't mean you didn't love him, and won't miss him. You had hopes and dreams and love, and now it is gone.
That is how is is with miscarriage. You find out you are pregnant, and immediately fall in love with this baby. you start planning, what will the nursery look like, will you quit your job and be a full time mom? you start imagining yourselves playing with baby, you start thinking of all the things you want to teach your little one. You wonder who's eyes she will have, will she have red hair like mine, or brown like barons? You hope that your baby will grow up to be a doctor or lawyer etc, you have hopes and dreams for your new life with this little one. Then one day you start bleeding. You realize that it's all over. That your little one is gone, taking all your hopes and dreams with her.
you are lost. you hurt, but nobody wants to talk about dead babies. some people even have the gall to say "it wasn't even a baby yet anyway". Did you know that the baby's heart starts beating just before 5 weeks? most people don't even know they're pregnant then! Some people say it was all for the best. what? you mean all my hopes and dreams and love didn't mean anything? that it was best for this baby to die? am I that terrible that the baby is better off dead? Some people say "you're young still". does that mean that I loved this baby any less than I would if I were older? what does age have ANYTHING to do with it? Some people say "you can have another one!" but that won't change what you've lost. You can't ever fill that hole again. you can make an addition for a new baby, but you will always have a little empty hole. you will always hurt. Some people remind you how common it is. would you say that to a friend who's lost a parent? "oh, get over it, lots of people have lost their parents."

I don't know why I am having to go through this. I am learning to deal with it though. I am learning to be still and wait. I am learning that this may not be a "no" answer, but a "wait" answer. I am learning to listen to what He wants, and not me. I know that if I can do this, listen and obey my creator, that things will be just fine, and I will have children to love. I know that He is there, comforting me. Counting my tears. Nudging me to open my heart to his children, even if they didn't come from my womb. That he loves them the same, and I will too. I am learning to be more comfortable around the idea of adoption and fostering. I am realizing that as badly as I want a baby, theses babies/kids want a mother.

So, please, don't trivialize somebody's pain. Give them a hug and tell them that you are thinking about them. That's all you can do, and it does help. Don't offer negative "support". It can only hurt, and it only adds to our already raw emotions.

All I want out of this is positive support. Love, comfort, and the blessings of friends and family as we continue on our journey to parenthood.
Well, that's about it for now. I am spent. "Talking" about it is exhausting sometimes.

-megs

Update on the foster-adopt decision

Alrighty then, so I had said that I'd update on the foster-adopt situation.
Baron and I are currently on the waiting list for the Texas Baptist Home for Children's private infant adoption program. That waiting list is a year long (just for orientation) though. The main reason is that they only accept 7 couples into the program at a time so that the real waiting, once you're done with orientation, isn't so long. Better service, etc.

We liked this program better for several reasons.
1. they don't want ANY money upfront. Only after a service has actually been provided.
Fine with me, as I really would hate to loose money on something so emotionally charged as adoption anyway.
2. at the time our baby is placed in our arms, we only owe 50%. We can pay the rest off later.
3. it costs less than half as much, and we already have that first 50% in our hands. (or the bank, whatever.)

So, in the mean time, while we wait, we decided to go ahead and foster-adopt too. (something else we had talked about doing, but didn't because we were scared. the meeting with CPS really eased all our fears!)
Our agency is also associated with CPS, as the majority of CPS placements are actually done through private agencies here in Texas.

Technically we'll be "dual-licensed" to foster and adopt. you don' t necessarily do both.
you can, if a child you are fostering becomes legally "available" for adoption, if you feel it's a good match. This process is a little shorter, as they are desperate for good, loving, Christian homes, even temporary homes for these kids in the care of CPS. We're looking at being licensed around January!! We are so looking forward to being able to help love these kids who don't get that at home. We have a lot of love to give and can't wait to give it!

So now that the nursery is done, we have work to do on a "kids" room! fun fun! I love shopping for all this stuff, and thankfully, we're about 2 miles away from IKEA!!

Foster-Adopt

Baron and I are attending our county's foster-adopt informational meeting tonight. We are exploring all options, and are considering foster-adopting. I think if we do, we won't go directly through CPS, but we will be going through Texas Baptist Home for Children. They do both private and CPS placements, So we are officially on the waiting list for a private adoption through them as well. More on that later.
-Megs

Hey y'all!

I realized that maybe I should go back a bit for those of you who are just joining me on this journey.

Baron and I found out we were pregnant (by surprise) in March of 2005. We lost our first baby several weeks later just around 8 weeks. The baby had died around 6 weeks. It was devastating, but we coped, realized it wasn't a great time, but were still sad. very sad.

fast forward a year and some months, things were looking much better, we had just paid off all of our debt and we got pregnant again. This time I only made it to about 4.5 weeks. I had JUST found out I was pregnant, and then I lost that baby too.

Now after we lost our second, we realized that there might be a problem. It is relatively common (as 15-25% of ALL pregnancies end in miscarriage) for a first to be lost, sometimes even before a woman even knows she's pregnant, but when it comes to two miscarriages, that's when you start to wonder.
I went to my doctor and she started running tests for me, but everything was coming in just fine. I should also define infertile for those of you who are unsure. It is the inability to get pregnant after a year of unprotected sex, or the inability to carry a pregnancy to term. Now, I was just seeing my ob/gyn for this, sometimes an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) will think differently, because they are trained to be more thorough. Anyway, She's a fertility "specialist" so she's had some experience treating it, not just your run of the mill doc.
Her diagnosis was recurrent pregnancy loss, and "unexplained fertility", I am one of the 10% of all infertile people that they don't know why is infertile. There is apparently nothing wrong with me. nice. so this is all in my head?
She said "I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant on your own."

Alright. She says, come back in 3 months if you aren't pregnant by then, we'll run the last of the tests.

SOOO, 2 months later, I find myself pregnant again, and again, lost the baby before I could even get to the doctor.

I have since had more tests run, a surgery, and bloodwork galore.. and still nothing. everything is in perfect working order, I have great egg quality and my uterus is picture perfect. But I still can't finish a pregnancy.

So, that's where we are now.
no more infertility tests, no more poking and prodding, no more heartache.
We have a light at the end of the tunnel, we are adopting. We are following a call, filling a need.
-Megs

infertility

http://www.youtube.com/v/JqfGqOx2iDQ

Oh my. I've been weeping. Thanks to Sommer over at Ovuland for this link (on her blog).

Maybe, just maybe, those of you who don't understand, might get a glimpse of what it's like.

fun fun!

Hi everybody!
I do hope everything is going well in all your lives!
Things are going great here. I have been searching for new apartments this afternoon. We're not out of our lease until December, but I figured I wanted a head start on apartment hunting, as I feel we need a slightly bigger place for the next year and beyond. So, I've been searching. I found one place that's about 1.5 miles from our current place, in the same great area, and a 2 bedroom is only 36 dollars more than what we're paying now! can't beat that!

In other news, I had been thinking that my belly button (where they went in for my surgery a few weeks ago) was getting infected, but mom said it looked fine. She was wrong. I ended up going to the doctor today as it was hurting more and decided to become obviously infected. (I won't go into detail!) So, I am back on antibiotics but feel fine save for the belly button pain. fun fun!

In yet other news, Anna, my cousin has so graciously given us a lead in the great baby search! A little boy she works with at the daycare center is coming up for adoption (or has come up for adoption) and she made an appointment with the social worker to get some info on our behalf. She did this without our assistance, which I think is so wonderful of her! What an amazing provider our God is and what a mature adult my cousin is becoming! We are finding that friends and family and even acquaintances are stepping up to the plate without being asked to help us in our endeavor to grow our family! We are so blessed!
Also, Baron's aunt is working on a lead over there in Georgia for us! The mother doesn't yet know what she is going to do, but I think is aware that parenting at such a young age is difficult, and was thinking about adoption. (this is all 3rd party information though!) We'll be praying that the right situation works out for us, however and whenever the time is right.

So anyway, more about the baby:
He is 7 months old, and his name is Caleb. (that's all we know.. )
The other one has yet to be born, but I think the pbm is due in 3-4 months time.
Our request, as always, is that you pray that we have clarity and wisdom throughout this journey. We believe wholeheartedly that God is sovereign and whatever happens really does happen with a purpose, and we are looking forward to seeing His purposes worked out!!


In more other news: We are a quarter of the way done with fundraising!! Any help would of course be appreciated! Let me know if you are interested in helping. There will be many opportunities! I will be planning a fundraiser soon, I am thinking a "Day of Beauty" where friends and family and friends and family of friends and family can come and get a day of beauty. A trim, mani-pedi, make-overs, massages, etc. What do y'all think?
We really only need to raise about another 5,000, which is just another quarter, but the IRS is great and will give us back all the money we spent on this. (in essence paying the rest of the cost!!)

We also have artwork that we'd like to sell. We aquired 3 black and white photographs by a Portland, OR artist by the name of David O'Connor. They are pencil signed and dated, and worth about $1,000 a piece. If anyone is interested, or knows anyone who is interested, let me know!


I think that's about it for now!
Soon, I'll be sending out our photoresume letters to our friends and family. These are letters stating our intent to adopt, our reasons and such, and a brief biography. We'd love your help in distributing these letters to your "network". People such as ob/gyns, family care doctors, social workers, highschool teachers/principles, counselors, family/marriage counselors, crisis pregnancy centers, and church clergy. We have already found that once we get the word out, that people step up. We've already had 3 leads and we've only been at this for 3 months! just think if we can get out 500 letters between all of us! What most adoption professionals say is that we should send out 100 letters with 5 copies each to people we know and/or love. ;)
Then you guys will take these letters with you, and if you find yourself in a situation where you hear of a baby you can hand them our letter. Or, you can just give them to professionals who may be in a position to hear of a baby. People are much more willing to help if they know who they are helping, or at least know of them through the network. So if I personally sent your ob/gyn a letter saying that I was adopting, she/he'd probably toss it into the pile and forget about it. BUT! if YOU give it to them, and say that we are family/friends etc, they are much more likely to help! If you'd like to help, send me your address to eidsonmegan@yahoo.com



I think that's it for now! Sorry it was so long, but I guess I had a lot to say!

As always, I'll keep you informed of happenings at the Eidson household!

-Megan

Open Adoption

Wow.

So I read a book tonight called "Arms Wide Open: An Insight into Open Adoption". It was fabulous. Short, but fabulous. It definitely got me thinking about how open I wanted our adoption to be. Let me clarify. I had been thinking about this, but I think this book helped me solidify some of the ideas I was thinking about.

First, let me describe our opinions of the birthmother and things that we as adoptive parents will try to remember. Things that we will always try to adhere to throughout this process. We don't know the birthmother yet, but there are some general ideas we've got.
The birthmother will always hold a place of honor in our lives. She will have given us an amazing gift for which we will be eternally grateful. We understand and are empathetic to the issues she may be facing. We are not perfect either. We may have even been there ourselves. We are not judgmental. See above. We realize, after our own losses that this must be an extremely difficult thing for her to be going through. That this will hurt. That she will grieve. That she may even be angry at us for being able to parent when she can not. We realize and understand that she may decide to parent before papers are signed, and we will respect her decision either way. We want her in our lives. We want a relationship, of some sort, with her.

So, how open do we want it?
My answer is: as open as God wants it. That's the short answer anyway.
I'll explain.

We will most definitely want to send cards, letters and pictures throughout the baby's life.
Here are things that I want: (I am hoping I speak for Baron too, but I wouldn't know. I was finally able to think things through enough to make them clear, and he's asleep!! So for now assume I'm speaking for both of us when I use I and we interchangeably. I'll let him add his 2 cents in later when he wakes up.)
I would love to have more contact than cards letters and pictures. I would love to have the birthmother near. I would love to be able for my child to have visits with the birthmother. I don't think I'd let our child go with birthmother alone. Obviously Baron and I will be the ones parenting, the ones who make the decisions, but I'd love for the birthmother to be like an aunt. We want to treat her as part of our extended family. I want our child to know their birthmother. I want them to meet, not just at the birth, but later too. When our child will remember. I want to be able to answer questions. If I don't know the answer, I want to be able to call or write the birthmother and ask. I want a relationship with the birthmother, as she will always hold a special place in our lives.

I realize that this is not always what the birthmother wants, but I also realize that a birthmother who says they want minimal contact may feel differently after the birth. Baron and I want to be open to that possibility. We want to remain open concerning our relationship with the birthmother. To a reasonable extent, we want to allow the birthmother some lee-way.

I think this is my maximum. We don't want the birthmother in our home everyday. We will be parenting. We will make the ultimate decision, but we are flexible, and will ALWAYS be prayerful about those decisions.

I also realize that God may have other plans. It has happened before! I will try to be "open" to a closed adoption, though I know that an open adoption is "healthier" for all that are involved. I realize that our birthmother may not be open to an open adoption, and we need to be open to that too.

Ultimately, we want what God wants. If you are keeping us in your prayers, please pray that Baron and I are able to keep God's will in mind, prayerfully, always. Now more than ever. Please pray that whatever comes about, that we are at peace with what happens, open or closed, or any where else along that continuum.

-Megan

My first post!

Alright, so I'm not claiming to be a great blogger, as I HATE writing, but I do have a need to keep you people informed and updated on the happenings over here at the Eidson cottage. I will also *try* and add in some of my personal feelings from time to time, as I know I would like to have record of those later on, when baby Eidson decides he or she is ready to know their story.

So here we go!